Divorce and Autism: Making the Best of an Unfortunate Situation

The myth that families of children with Autism have an 80% divorce rate was proven false by researcher Brian Freedman, PhD, clinical director of the Center for Autism and Related Disorders at the Kennedy Krieger Institute in Baltimore, as this article, Autism Families: High Divorce Rate Is a Myth, states. Despite the fact that parents of a child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder experience more stress, the rates of divorce remain similar to those of parents with neuro-typical children. Unfortunately, that does not mean that parents of special needs children do NOT get divorced.

So what is a parent of a child with Autism to do when they suddenly become an every other weekend dad or mom? The answer is the same I would give any other divorced parent; find a way to co-parent constructively. When couples with children divorce it becomes necessary for them to mindfully redefine their relationship. Remember that there are no ex-parents, only ex-spouses. Despite the fact that the marriage has ended the parenting connection will continue forever.

The best gift any parent can give their child in this situation is to make a conscious effort to redesign their roles, without conflict and negativity. This means:

1. Putting the needs of the children first.

2. Separating parenting issues from personal issues.

3. Establishing new boundaries.

4. Discovering a way to effectively communicate with one another.

This is much easier said than done but here are a few suggestions to keep you on track.

- Communicate regularly with your ex about the therapies your child is receiving and find out how you can reinforce them during your time together. Consistency is important for children on the spectrum and keeping schedules and routines as similar as possible between houses will help.

- Pay attention to your environment and try to look at it from your child's perspective. Taking your child's sensory sensitivities in mind try to create a space for him that will be predictable and comforting in order to make her feel secure in their other home.

- Be mindful of how your child handles the transitions when moving from house to house. Coping with a new situation takes time. Keep in mind that it will take her a while to settle in when first arriving from the home of your ex.

- Don't let guilt run the way you parent. Remain in charge. Your children need to know the boundaries and how to be responsible for themselves more than ever. Loving, positive rules create emotional order, which in turn allows character and love to grow.

- Create your own family rituals, they make great memories. This can be as simple as having regular family meals with candlelight, making bedtime a predictable routine with storytelling, or creating traditions for holidays and special events.

- Remember that love is not about externals. You don't have to be a Disneyland dad or an overindulgent mom. Spend your time, not your money, on making genuine connections that create secure relationships with your children. This will reduce the need your children may have to search for outside 'things' to feel valued and important.

- Manage your new home with the same close attention you give your job/career/ business. Remember, in this job, you are the boss and you run the household. Keep in mind how you would rate yourself on a performance evaluation.

Connie Hammer, MSW, parent educator, consultant and coach, guides parents of young children recently diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder to uncover abilities and change possibilities. Visit her website http://www.parentcoachingforautism.com to get your FREE resources - a parenting e-course, Parenting a Child with Autism - 3 Secrets to Thrive and a weekly parenting tip newsletter, The Spectrum.

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Divorce (Autism)

Going through a divorce is a very stressful and traumatic event that is not unlike a bereavement. There are stages of grief to go through, and there are likely to be feelings and sentiments of a loss of hope and dreams. Although there may be existing problems or reasons why a marriage is faltering, having a child who needs a lot more extra time and attention, as well as additional resources, can take its toll.

According to a recent study (Hartley et al.), parents of a child with an autism spectrum disorder had a higher rate of divorce than a comparison group, and this rate remained high throughout the son or daughter's childhood, adolescence and early adulthood.

Any of the stages or landmarks in the child's development can introduce its own particular stresses or strains within the family, and can cause a marriage to gradually break down over time.

Early Years/Diagnosis

The stress and strain of having a special child but not knowing what is causing the child's problems puts an extra burden on a relationship that may already be struggling. When the diagnosis occurs, parents sometimes blame themselves for the child's difficulties as they search for answers or reasons for what has happened. Counseling can be beneficial to talk through these issues.

Mothers may do more than what would be expected for a child that develops in a straightforward way. Fathers may throw themselves into their job and often work longer hours; sometimes this serves as an escape from what is happening at home, or it is a means to provide the extra money needed for any additional resources.

Adolescence

These years can be challenging as the child becomes bigger and less easy to handle. Puberty and developing sexuality can exacerbate any existing behavioral problems.

Adulthood

There are concerns for the future, such as independent living and continuing services, which can add extra worries and concerns within the family unit.

During any of these stages, couples may find they have grown apart, are leading separate lives or are simply growing in a different direction from one another. However, there is always hope to save a flailing marriage, or even prevent its demise. A marriage can be strengthened if couples are united and if they can re-evaluate their priorities so that the family comes first. A good plan of action would include finding activities to enjoy together as a family - weekly outings, respite care, a supportive extended family, and support groups.

If, however, divorce becomes inevitable, it is important for parents to take care of their needs, for example, by talking things through with friends, or maybe a professional counsellor or church counsellor. There may be a number of changes taking place, such as moving house, as well as all the emotional issues to be faced and dealt with.

Children can become very unsettled if there is turmoil at home and may exhibit behavioral changes, such as acting up more, or developing skin rashes due to stress and anxiety. They need reassurance and to know if their schedule changes, including when they will see a parent again. To adjust, help and guidance may need to be sought from a professional. It is important to tailor language to the child's level of understanding without too much detail about what is happening. The use of picture cards may be helpful as an aid to understanding for younger children.

Divorce is never easy for all the people involved and affected. The process can be made a lot less dramatic by focusing on the particular needs of family members to make the transition easier for all involved. Divorce is not inevitable, however. Having a child with autism can bring some couples closer together. A united couple and a good plan of action is helpful.

References:

National Center for Biotechnical Information. (n.d.). Ncbi.nlm.nih: The relative risk and timing of divorce in families of children with an autism spectrum disorder (Hartley et al.) Retrieved April 24 2011, from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20731491

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