Autism Isn't Fair to Me! Promoting Positive Feelings Among Siblings

If you have more than one child, do they compete for your attention? Do you detect jealousy that you would rather not see? Does the amount of bickering among your children and lobbying for No. 1 position concern you as a parent? Welcome to the world of parenting!
In addition to that, if you have a child with special needs that requires extra time, money and attention, you unfortunately increase the risk that normal sibling resentment will impact your household. No matter how secure your other children are their individual temperaments and personalities can make them more susceptible to feelings of envy when their sibling has Autism. Warding off feelings of jealousy or rivalry when one child may need more attention than another can be emotionally draining for parents of autistic children.
Every child, regardless of ability or disability unconsciously competes with their siblings to define who they are as individuals. On their path toward self-discovery, all children want to show they are separate from their brothers and sisters and want to be recognized for their specific talents.
If children feel they are getting unequal amounts of attention or acknowledgement from their parents they often start to compete to prove their worth or withdraw into themselves. Thoughts such as, "What about me?" or "It's not fair!" can rattle around in a child's head to fester and develop into behavior problems. Wondering what you can do to promote more positive feelings?
Here are some tips that will help you promote healthy relationships in your children and reduce jealousy and rivalry among siblings.
1) Promote connection among siblings yet allow for separateness as well: Finding a good balance between having your children spend time together and away from each other is an important challenge for parents to take on.
- Plan family activities that are fun for everyone. When kids have good experiences together, it acts as a buffer when they come into conflict. It's easier to work it out with someone you share warm memories with.
- Help your children find their own space. Make sure each child has enough time and space of their own. Kids need chances to do their own thing, play with their own friends without their sibling, and they need to have their space and property protected.
- Avoid putting your neuro-typical child in a position of responsibility for their sibling on the Autism spectrum. Short time periods and emergency situations aside, asking a young child to watch over their special needs sibling is too much to ask for and can trigger anxieties in addition to feelings of jealousy or hate.
2) Dole out love on many levels: Young children actually believe there is a finite resource of love. Therefore, young children can seem desperate to keep it all for themselves and they don't understand that love can grow exponentially. Make it clear that there's enough love to go around for everybody.
- Label your "alone time" with each child as it occurs. When you spend one-on-one time with any of your children refer to it as "mommy & me time" or "dad time" so they actually realize what is happening. Try to spend at least a few minutes each day. It's amazing how much even just five minutes of uninterrupted time can mean to your child.
- Take some time to create unique and meaningful rituals for connecting with each child - different games or activities that speak to your common interests, special pet names, mystery passwords, or secret handshakes.
3) Explore raw feelings: Remember as children voice their opinions they think abstractly but talk in absolutes. They are usually not very subtle. Being slightly annoyed by their autistic brother becomes "I HATE HER! I WISH SHE WAS DEAD!"
- When in the heat of the moment: DON'T diminish or dismiss such statements with "You don't really want mean that. You love your sister." Instead, breathe deeply and validate her strong feelings with an empathic stance like "Wow. She really made you angry, huh?" Let the steam blow off and don't rush to make 'nice' immediately. Resolving conflicts should wait until later when tempers have eased.
- When things are calm: DO check in during private moments to safely explore how your kids feel about each other. Ask them what they like most and least about each other. Encourage them to say whatever they want, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Just notice, don't judge the negatives and focus on the positive things they hopefully express and affirm their ability to recognize them. This is a great way to help them vent and allows you to keep tabs on their feelings about their relationships.
4) Stay away from direct competition: Don't set siblings up to compete with each other directly. If your children are drawn to the same activities allow them to pursue them but be careful not to set them up to be adversaries with each other very often.
- Set your kids up to cooperate rather than compete. Have them race the clock together to pick up toys, instead of racing each other. How fast can you do this together? Give them a brief amount of time to plan a strategy - this promotes great teamwork.
- When alone OR together with your children, do not use comparisons as compliments to pump up one of your child's egos at the expense of the other (i.e. "Wow, you're so good at math. Joey's nowhere as good at math as you"). This is NEVER a good way to promote bonding among siblings.
Remember that tired, hungry or bored kids are more likely to become overly sensitive and perceive degrees of parental attention as unfair. Treating your children impartially is important but it is not the same as treating them equally. As your children "see" you meeting their needs, they will come to realize that you are doing your best but they also need to "feel" it. This is where listening, genuine listening and connecting to each child is important. If each of your children feels heard then they truly know you care and this has the power to reduce or diffuse any negative emotions towards each other.

Connie Hammer, MSW, parent educator, consultant and coach, guides parents of young children recently diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder to uncover abilities and change possibilities. Visit her website http://www.parentcoachingforautism.com to get your FREE resources - a parenting e-course, Parenting a Child with Autism - 3 Secrets to Thrive and a weekly parenting tip newsletter, The Spectrum.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Connie_Hammer

How Do You Assure Autistic Siblings to Get Along With One Another?

Siblings who are in a family with autism present, may have a difficult time for them to relate, understand each other and cope. To assure siblings will get a long with others in the family with autism, requires patience and a huge amount of love.
I believe, if the siblings are taught to be kind and loving, this will encourage them, that when there are mistakes, that are made with the sibling relationships, they will forgive each other.
A child with autism in a family with siblings requires everyone to be taught values. For example, consideration graciousness, respect, sharing and concern for others, which will assure the siblings to get along.
As a parent(s) or caregiver, your job is to relate two imperative things to your children. The first thing is-- tell your child he or she is special and important and you love him or her as much as you always did and that will not change. The second thing is-- to always let your child know, their brother or sister is also special and important and you love them just as much him or her and that will never change either.
Having a child with autism in the family can be challenging for the other siblings to learn how to get along. It is wise never to compare your children to other siblings who are the family.
Each child is special with many unique gifts and challenges, but never compare, elevate, or put one child down against another.
Another way to assure siblings to get along is to teach your children cooperation, team work by having each child share the load of responsibilities of chores that each individual is capable of doing and according to their age.
Praise your children for doing such a great job at their chores, even if it the end result is not perfect. Do not talk down at them or scold them with harsh words. It is the team work and effort that counts.
If your child has autism and is younger than the other siblings, it would be wise to have your older children understand that their younger brother or sister many have some difficulties with certain areas of their functioning, but they are valuable and important but need a little extra help.
In addition, to assuring that the siblings get along with autism in their family, is to have a sense of humor. Have fun with your children and make it enjoyable for all to laugh, make mistakes, dream have goals and understand the talents and gifts of each individual.
This will bring cooperation, team work, self-esteem and create the assurance that siblings will get along with each other.
Unconditional love for all of your children is crucial, no matter how many siblings there are and the various levels of autism that is within the family. Love is the assurance to get along with all members in the family.

"As an extension of this article, you just read, travel to >>> http://www.autismintoawareness.com for your updated e-book and complimentary bonus products, that offer you imperative information about this topic and other topics on autism. Take action now! Bonita Darula breaks the silence of the various levels of autism."

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Bonita_Darula

The Effects on the Development of Non-Autistic Children When They Have Older Autistic Siblings

Autism is currently affecting 1 in 150 children, but children who suffer from the effects of Autism are much higher. In a family with more than 1 child who have a child with Autism, the effects on the non-autistic sibling can be life long.

For a family whose Autistic sibling is the eldest, it creates an entirely different family structure with the younger non-autistic child either taking on a caregiver or guardianship role or emulating the behaviours of the child with Autism.

Children with Autism take up a lot of the parent's time and energy often leaving little for the younger non-autistic sibling. Sometimes a non-autistic younger sibling feels that they have to compete for their parents attention and that the extra attention somehow means that the child with Autism is the more loved child. This can lead to resentment of their disabled sibling and sometimes negative behaviour. To these children, any attention is better than no attention - even if it is negative.

On the other side of the coin, a younger non-autistic sibling can sometimes copy their Autistic older brother or sisters mannerisms leading to a concern that this child may have Autism as well. Even in a normal household, this is what would happen. Younger children learn a lot from their older siblings and if the behaviour is not regarded as acceptable, how are they to know.

With early development, the non-autistic child is going to watch and copy what the older child is doing. They will learn their behaviours, the flapping, the stacking of blocks and sometimes, the gutteral sounds that replace speech in approximately 50% of children with Autism. Care needs to be taken that the non-autistic sibling does get a chance to socialize with other children to encourage a healthy development. Even something as small as a playdate with a neighbours child or at a daycare with other non-autistic children of a similar age.

The beauty of children is, that unless they are taught to do so, they are going to treat their Autistic sibling like one of the family and accept their behaviours. They may not always like what they do, but, they will understand that the child with Autism is part of the family and will love them as such. They may take on a caregiver role, speaking for them, helping them with things etc and therefore the roles of older and younger sibling will be reversed.

Having children with Autism in the family can also sometimes lead to social isolation. It is difficult at best to take a child with Autism on some outings as sometimes their behaviours are not socially acceptable, e.g. the screaming and the flapping. Despite recent media attention about Autism, there remains quite a large number of the public who still are uneducated and look upon Autistic children as being naughty and undisciplined with bad parents.

For families with little or no outside help, it means less time going out as a family and also, unfortunately, less time that the non-autistic child gets to do things that other children their age are doing.

Educating the younger non-autistic sibling about Autism and how it is affecting their older sibling in an age appropriate manner is a good way of helping the younger child deal with some of the things they may not understand. Explaining to them that the older child is not always in control of what they do and that just because they behave in such a way, it does not make it right. Encourage the non-autistic sibling to discuss their feelings and encourage them to come up with ways that they can help out, thereby freeing up a bit more of their parents time for themselves.

Autism affects the entire family and it is only natural that the non-autistic sibling have some issues with role reversal and development but by communicating and being open, this can all be built on positively enabling the non-autistic child to build a healthy relationship with their Autistic sibling with little detrimental effect to their own development.

Donna Mason has been a Registered Nurse for the past 16 years. She is the mother of 6 children, 3 of whom have varying degrees of Autism. For more information on Autism signs and symptoms, and to learn more about this mother's battle in the fight against this misunderstood condition, visit us on the web at: http://www.autisticadventures.blogspot.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Donna_Mason