Many parents feel notice that their child with Asperger's
syndrome of high functioning autism shows little if any empathy for
others which inhibits their social skills. These children can seem aloof
or selfish and uncaring.
But any parent with a child on the
autism spectrum knows that outward appearances can be deceiving. Our
loved ones with Asperger's syndrome of high functioning autism are very
caring and feeling beings. But they often have difficulties
understanding the feelings of others which is a contributing factor to
the well known autism symptom -- lack of social skills. Often times, we
see this inability to understand another person's feelings as a lack of
empathy.
How Can a Person with Asperger's Syndrome Develop a Sense of Empathy and Improve Social Skills?
Lack
of emotional readiness, sensory overwhelm, and lack of relevant
experiences can all contribute and help explain why your child with
Asperger's syndrome may seem distant or uncaring of others feelings.
In
this article, we will talk about the process of developing empathy --
an important ingredient in improving social skills. Below, a young adult
with Asperger's syndrome shares her experiences and feelings to help us
understand how those with Asperger's syndrome feel and cope.
If a
child with Asperger's syndrome or high functioning autism is
disconnected from people when he is young, due to different brain
wiring, this sense of difference is likely to persist and cause him to
withdraw from people and experiences over the years. The more he thinks
of himself as a person who can't connect with other people, the less
likely he will be to try.
In order to develop social skills, one
must practice. But if a child continually fails in his or her social
interactions, they will eventually become discouraged and give up.
Experiences of a Young Adult with Asperger's Syndrome --
I
moved to a house with a 94 year old, very vibrant and active roommate
two years ago. This woman, Madeline, has the most welcoming smile and
presence I have ever felt. I immediately felt calm and comfortable in
her presence, which never happens for me. I started spending more and
more time with her, watching TV and talking about nothing important --
just soaking up her gentleness and positivity, her utter acceptance of
me. Every time she smiled at me, it made me happy.
I thought this
behavior -- willingly spending time with another person -- quite out of
character for me, but I kept doing it. Madeline was always happy to see
me. Merely entering the room could make her face light up. Therefore I
started feeling a sense of connection to her.
Some of these
principles, especially high affect -- Madeline was a very passionate
speaker with highly evident emotions -- as well as pure acceptance,
gentleness and meeting someone on common ground are some of the very
principles of the autism therapy floortime. (Floortime is a therapy
designed to increase emotional and cognitive connections in an autistic
person's brain, and to bring the person slowly into the world around
them by first joining them in their world.)
Madeline had wonderful social skills. She had the ability to make me feel welcomes and to draw me out.
My Relationship with My Roommate Increases My Empathy and Improved My Social Skills --
After
I had been living here about seven months, Madeline had to go to the
hospital for about two weeks because of a problem in her leg. The first
night she was there, I worried about her constantly. I kept thinking
"But she was always talking about how much she hated hospital food!" I
hoped she had something good to eat and was being well taken care of.
This
probably sounds quite unremarkable, except I had never before worried
about someone on quite an emotional level before. I had always expressed
sympathy (when I remembered) and felt intellectually things like "I
hope so and so gets better soon. That's terrible. Well, I hope it works
out," but never really on a gut stabbing, stomach hurting, almost
visceral emotional level before.
It rather took me by surprise.
While the feelings were of a negative nature, I was so happy to have
them (upon later reflection) because they made me feel so much more
connected to the human race! I didn't feel so isolated inside myself
when I had those feelings.
So That's What They Were Thinking!
Later
on, at different times, two of my friends began having severe health
problems of the same sort that I had experienced a few years ago. They
were both long distance, so I was limited in what I could do to help
them.
I had many long phone conversations with one friend, Elaine,
trying to provide both emotional support and practical solutions. After
the often hour long conversations, I was drained and in emotional
turmoil. I felt helpless. I wanted to ease her pain so much. I wanted to
make things better for her. I did what I could, but it wasn't much. It
almost felt like too much to deal with, but I would never walk away from
her.
After a few phone calls like this, I got an epiphany. So
THAT'S what my parents and friends were feeling during all of my crisis
phone calls to them! Years before I had called them during my own health
crisis in tears. They tried to help, but I just felt more alone. I kept
telling them "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" I was convinced they didn't care,
because they often had a hard time showing their emotions about the
situation and I had an even harder time reading what they did say.
I
would mention something that was bothering me and be hurt when my
grandfather would change the subject without any response. "Why didn't
you say anything?" I would ask him. "You know how I feel," he would say.
"No, I don't!" I would tell him. "Come on, you know I feel bad for
you," he'd say. "No, I don't!" I'd repeat.
I truly felt isolated
from those that were trying to help me because I couldn't imagine how
they were feeling towards me. Why? Because I had never felt that way
towards anyone else. How could I even know those feelings existed, or at
least know what they felt like?
Relationships Develop Empathy for a Person with Asperger's Syndrome --
If
you can understand how others are thinking, you can feel more connected
to them. You can understand their needs more and feel the desire to
fill them. This, as I understand it, is empathy. Without the kind of
interactions and friendships that foster this awareness (that so many on
the autism spectrum don't have), you're stuck pretending to be
functioning in a world you don't understand one bit, longing for
emotional connection and having everyone around you think you're
self-centered and uncaring about others. Without these emotional
connections you never really can have sufficient social skills to
develop deep and nurturing relationships.
I believe empathy lives
in every single person -- but the right experiences and circumstances
have to be present to bring it out.
Tips for Parents and Those with Asperger's Syndrome or Autism
- Try to expose your child to social situations and experiences that
they haven't had before, within the limits of their abilities. Social
groups, summer camps, anything that will offer the ability to foster
these forms of relationships. Make sure the programs are well matched to
your child's needs, though.
- For children, social stories are also a good way for a parent to
focus on development of social skills and empathy. You can create your
own social stories with your child by drawing pictures of people and
events and adding captions to the stores. Perhaps a relative that your
child knows was in the hospital. Maybe a friend fell off their bike and
scraped their knee. Think of an event that your child can relate to. By
developing a story around this event, you can help your child fill in
the emotions that the people in the story felt -- worry, fear, sadness
-- to help your child with Asperger's syndrome practice empathy.
- You can also purchase books that are specifically designed to teach
empathy and feelings. Check out Amazon.com which has arrange of these
books.
- Many therapists can help your child with Asperger's syndrome learn
social skills by focusing on developing empathy. Check with your school
or a local Asperger's syndrome or autism support group. There may be a
class offered by your local education department. So many children with
autism and Asperger's syndrome need this type of training that classes
are common.
- Consider purchasing videos or audio tapes. Many companies sell
videos specifically geared to children to help them understand the
feelings of others. After all, practice makes perfect. One good thing
about videos is that they can help your child read facial expressions.
Children with high functioning autism and Asperger's syndrome often have
challenges reading facial expressions. Videos can make a point of
highlighting the aspects of facial expressions. And by allowing your
child to watch the video many times, they can pick up a lot of clues to
reading the feelings expressed by a person's mannerisms, gestures and
facial expressions.
- For adults with Asperger's syndrome, try to expose yourself to
different social opportunities. Also consider therapy to try to help you
work through these issues.